Science-backed ways to show affection that partners, kids, and friends actually notice. Three tips you can try today.
Most of us feel more warmth than we express. Research suggests the people we care about notice small gestures more than we expect. Here are three that held up under a close read.
Say the compliment you’re holding back
- Do this: Once a day, tell a partner, child, or friend one specific thing you admire about them. Don’t polish it. Focus on the warmth you mean, not the wording.
- Mini-scenario: You watch your partner patiently help your kid with homework and think, “That’s really kind.” Instead of filing it away, you say it right then.
- Why it works: We worry our words will sound clumsy, but the receiver mostly hears the warmth. We also overestimate how awkward it will feel.
- Evidence: Zhao & Epley, 2021, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology | nine preregistered experiments; in the first, 210 people in pairs (friends, family, couples) | Givers predicted a recipient mood of 7.79 out of 10 versus an actual 8.81, and predicted more awkwardness than recipients felt (3.46 vs 2.06). Read the full paper.
- Confidence: 🟢🟢⚪ Moderate. Results replicated across several experiments, but they come from one research team’s paper.
- Caveat: Interest in sending rose when people focused on warmth, but only about half actually sent a compliment in the study’s two-minute window (49.5%).
- Alternative: If saying it feels awkward, text it.
Make an “if–then” plan to say thanks
- Do this: Tonight, spend five minutes on this plan: “If my partner does something I appreciate, then I’ll thank them.” Repeat it aloud a few times and tie it to a real cue, like when they hand you your coffee.
- Mini-scenario: Your partner takes out the trash without being asked. Because you rehearsed the plan, “Thanks, I noticed” comes out before the moment passes.
- Why it works: An if–then plan (researchers call it an “implementation intention”) turns a good intention into an automatic habit. More thanks may make you both want more time together.
- Evidence: Chang et al., 2022, Scientific Reports | randomized field experiment; 125 couples (250 people), five weeks of nightly reports | Thanking rose from 79.6% to 87.0% of days in the plan group, with no significant change in controls. Couples reported about 68 more minutes together per day than controls. Read the study.
- Confidence: 🟢🟢⚪ Moderate. It was a well-designed randomized experiment, but a single one, and the time-together data were self-reported.
- Caveat: The time-together effect showed up only for people with one variant (CC) of a gene tied to the oxytocin system, about 64% of the sample. The study tested couples, not parents or friends.
- Alternative: Skip the written plan and just pick one daily moment, like dinner, as your standing “thank you” time.
Hug for 20 seconds before a stressful moment
- Do this: Before a big presentation, a hard talk, or a school drop-off meltdown, give a mutual, unhurried 20-second hug.
- Mini-scenario: Your partner has a job interview at 9. At 8:45 you stand in the hallway and hug without talking until the timer in your head hits twenty.
- Why it works: Touch may calm the body’s stress response and lower cortisol (a stress hormone). The researchers suggest oxytocin may play a role, but they didn’t measure it.
- Evidence: Berretz et al., 2022, PLOS ONE | randomized experiment; 76 young adults in romantic couples | Women who hugged for 20 seconds before a cold-water stressor had significantly less cortisol 25 minutes afterward (p = .028). Read the study. A meta-analysis of touch interventions found a medium overall benefit for adults (Hedges’ g = 0.52, 95% CI 0.42–0.63, 85 studies). Repeated sessions helped more than longer ones, though most studies tested massage, not hugs.
- Confidence: 🟢⚪⚪ Emerging. The hug study was small, and the effect appeared only in women and at one time point. The meta-analysis supports touch in general but not this exact hug, and it notes possible overestimation.
- Caveat: Men showed no cortisol effect, and blood pressure and mood didn’t change. Touch works best when it’s welcome, so skip it if the person doesn’t want it.
- Alternative: Hold hands for a few minutes. In a 61-person study, partners’ hand-holding reduced how unpleasant people found an anticipated mild shock, though that study was correlational for the relationship-quality findings.
- Health note: This is not medical advice.
Start here: Say the held-back compliment. It costs nothing and needs no partner buy-in.
The study also suggests it feels better to the receiver than you’d guess.